Vista on track: what Microsoft really wanted to say

The following article is purely satire. Don’t sue me.

Windows Vista on track
(Image adapted from photo by Drift Words)

Microsoft today published a press release about Windows Vista’s release schedules and the European Commission. Obviously Microsoft isn’t happy with the European Commission and vice versa, but this press release fails to express that. So I’m going to uncover perhaps what Microsoft really wanted to say.

REDMOND, Wash. — Oct. 13, 2006 — Microsoft Corp. today confirmed that it is on track to deliver Windows Vista™ for worldwide availability to its volume license business customers in November and worldwide general availability in January. The company also confirmed that it would be (unfortunately) releasing Windows Vista in Europe and Korea on schedule, following what the company called “constructive dialogue” (boardroom cockfights) with the European (“Stole-a-lot-of-money-from-us”) Commission and the Korea Fair Trade Commission.

“We are excited to bring the security enhancements and innovative new features of Windows Vista to our customers and partners around the world (countries which appreciate built-in security and media support), and we are committed to adhering to (demanding) local law in every region of the world (two particular countries),” said Steve Ballmer, chief executive officer of Microsoft.

Ballmer said the company over the past two years had (unnecessarily) submitted information (about upcoming features) to competition authorities (competitors) around the world about Windows Vista as it was being (re-)developed.

Microsoft (reluctantly) agreed to make a number of changes to Windows Vista in response to guidance the company received from the (demanding) European Commission, said Microsoft General Counsel Brad Smith. Smith confirmed that the company has also incorporated changes to Windows Vista in Korea to comply with its legal obligations there.

“We recognize that the European Commission does not give ‘green lights’ for new (Microsoft) products, and we have not asked (prayed) for one,” Smith said. “We appreciate the constructive dialogue (tension) we have had with the commission and the guidance (fines) the commission has provided (issued). Based on this guidance (the outrageous fines), we have made changes to ensure that we’re in compliance with our competition law obligations (not going bankrupt), and we are moving forward to make Windows Vista available on a worldwide basis.”

“We welcome the constructive discussions (hope to never have again what) we have had with governmental authorities around the world, and we are committed to continuing (avoiding) this type of dialogue in the future,” Smith said.


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