Microsoft sends secret dossier on idiot, to idiot

Imagine being asked one day, “Would you like a free college degree?” You’d say “Yes,” right? But then ask yourself a different question: “Does that mean you’d be stupid to pay for a college degree?”

I recently got about as close as one can get to this experience. While rambling about Microsoft – a small start-up somewhere up north – the dossier that Microsoft and its outside public relations agency Waggy Dogg keeps on me accidentally ended up at my neighbor’s house, since they got my address wrong.

You see. An employee from Waggy Dogg and an employee from Eddieman were playing catch one day. Unfortunately, as friendly as they are, they tackled each other, spilling all of their inside trade secrets all over the ground. When trying to clean up the mess, they took each other’s secret dossiers with them. When Eddieman returned to the Eddie-factory to do Eddie-work, he accidentally Eddie-emailed all the people their secret dossiers whilst overlooking several Eddie-warning dialogs. Needless to say, that Eddieman is now 20% less employed.

After I was done reading all 20 words on my dossier, I could no longer feel my legs because I’ve been sitting for too long. I’ve been alive for less than 19 years and always assumed that the people I talk to Google me as I do on them. So the existence of a document like this didn’t surprise me. But that still didn’t make it any easier to read lines like, “He has an extra bone on his ear”. I knew my birth defect might have been an issue one day ear modeling, but I didn’t know it had become an issue for Microsoft’s PR machine too.

But it seemed clear from the memo that there were close to 2 people involved. One Googled me; the other dressed up as Tjeerd Hoek. Indeed, if you look at the memo from afar, you can almost see the face of Jesus.

Should I be embarrassed that my dossier isn’t as big as Fred’s? I’d like to think size doesn’t matter. But thanks to breakthroughs in enlargement technologies, size is no longer an issue.

The memo is mine! My precious. I’m not going to show it to you. Nah na na na!

7 insightful thoughts

  1. LOL Yea I saw the front page. It was perfect! Wait… it was intentional right?

  2. I hope the front page is intentional.

    It’d make sense in light of this post; but I first saw it a day before this post.

    In any event – how entertaining.

  3. That has to be one of the best collection of dorky javascripts, active content, bad fonts, weird color use and pixelated bad-scaled images. It was so bad it was really good. How much do you price yourself to make a website like that for me? 😉

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